BDSM is an initialism for Bondage, Discipline, Domination, Submission, and Sadism/Masochism. These are broad categories that cover a wide variety of kinks and fetishes.
Regardless of which kink you explore with your partner, the key to success is informed consent. Couples need to establish a safe word, discuss the scene beforehand, and make sure everything is consensual.
Boundaries
Boundaries are a key element in BDSM play. They ensure that everyone involved has enthusiastic consent and clear expectations. Boundaries can be set in a formal contract, or in more casual discussions about limits and desires.
Often, BDSM partners discuss and negotiate their boundaries before entering a scene or relationship. This is a great way to avoid confusion, injury, or resistance and to prevent unnecessary arguments. BDSM limits can be hard or soft, and they may change as the situation evolves.
Some BDSM limits are emotionally charged, and it is important for both parties to examine why the limit exists before pushing it. For instance, if a submissive agrees to pain play but is experiencing emotional distress, they should express their feelings so that the Dominator can address them appropriately. Similarly, if the Dominator feels that a submissive is not responding to their commands in an appropriate manner, they should raise their concerns. Safewords are also a great tool for communication and maintaining the mood of the play.
Consent
Despite BDSM’s reputation as an overtly sexual movement, explicit consent is crucial. It is the only way to ensure that a partner is comfortable, and that any act or play is not considered sexual assault.
The BDSM community has many different models of consent, often expressed as acronyms: SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual), RACK (Risk-aware Consensual Kink), and PRICK (personal responsibility, informed, consent-based kink). These differ in how each party assumes responsibility for their safety and comfort.
Whether you’re dominating over text or physically in person, it’s essential to establish enthusiastic consent from your partner. If your partner says “yes!” with a huge smile, that’s ten points for you. If they say “uhm, okaay” or even worse, “no,” that’s minus ten points. It’s also important to negotiate what you both want to do, and to use a safe word to stop the play if it’s going too far. This can be as simple as hitting “pause” or using a codeword in the chat.
Safe Word
It is very important for both dominant and submissive partners to agree upon a safe word. This way, if something goes wrong during play, there is an easy way to stop. It also helps with communication during more kinky or edgy play (like impact or sensation play, bondage, and roleplay).
When discussing safe words, most people assume that the submissive partner will use it, but in fact, both partners should be able to call for a safe word at any time. They can be anything that is clear, memorable, and free of sexual connotations. Examples include “red,” “stop,” and “freeze.”
The safe word should be something that will stand out to your partner and make them pause in the moment. However, it should not be so odd that it completely takes them out of the sexy moment. For example, “cacao” might sound a little silly out of context, but it would be very easy for a kinkster to remember.
